Could I Have Saved Your Life?

I don’t understand what happened. I’ll never understand what happened. I’m not sure I ever want to understand why you chose to leave this world behind, no matter how much I need to understand; it hurts to think about, but the penance of the living is of no consequence to the angels of the shadows.

I don’t want to know, but I need to know. I still blame myself to a degree. I always will. I cannot lay this burden down; I can learn from it, let it inspire me not to fail my friends and family again, but I can never leave it behind. I can never outrun memory and recrimination. I can never completely forgive myself. I know that if you were truly at that point of no return, there is probably nothing I could have said or done that could have made a difference, but I’ll never know for sure.

It is that shadow of a sliver of a chance that maybe I would have had the right words, the right actions, that maybe just knowing I was here for you would have stopped you from pulling the trigger; it is that shadow of a sliver of a chance that makes the memory and the grief such a killing thing.

Two weeks before you died, you called me and told me we needed to talk. You told me you were in legal trouble and needed my advice. We agreed to go out for beer and talk about things. Then stuff came up and I pushed it off until the next weekend. My life was so busy with summer classes, a relationship that was disintegrating, social obligations and work; I didn’t know it was so serious.

You shot yourself before I ever got the chance to go get a beer with you.

When I needed you, you were there. When I was going through my divorce, when I was going through crazy shit with Meghan, when I was doing too many drugs and getting caught up in the mess that was the Acworth house, you were there. When I needed help moving, when I needed help with Evolution, you were there. You dropped everything when I needed you.

When you needed me, I was too busy. When you needed me most, I wasn’t there.

Intellectually, I know that once someone reaches that point, you can’t talk them out of it. The part of me that is governed with logic knows I’m not to blame. My heart can never be so sure, my soul can never grant myself absolution.

I picture you in the driver’s seat of your Jeep, looking at the .45, flipping the safety off. Your two most prized possessions. I try to imagine what was going through your mind at that moment. Did you forget how many people loved you? Did you feel alone? What made you pull the trigger?

We survived everything together. We lived through the drug years, the rave years. What made you end it? How could you make that choice, and leave your friends behind to deal with the wreckage of your passing? You were there for Brett’s funeral. You sat next to me at Phile’s funeral. Did you not think you would be mourned?

I want to call you a coward. I want to tell you what I think of your decision. I can’t. You failed me. You failed the tribe. We made it through the fire and the light. We survived. We’ve been through hell together and you bailed on us.

We failed you. I failed you. You were at your lowest point and I was not there. I can’t take that back. I can’t fix it. I want to fix it, but I can’t. Some things can’t be fixed. Some mistakes can’t be erased.

I’ll never know if I could have fixed it. I never got the chance to try. I never got the chance to save your life. You saved mine. When I was drowning, you pulled me out of the water. I never even saw you sink below the waves.

Should I have? Did I miss a signal? Were you reaching out to me, drowning in the ocean, calling for a liferaft? That last time I spoke to you, when you wanted to get together and talk, did I miss something in your voice? Did I miss some inflection, some tone, some word choice that should have made me sit up and realize something was seriously fucked up?

You were my brother in all but blood. You were the best man in my wedding, and I would have been the best man at yours. I should have seen it. Should have recognized it. Maybe you would have done it anyway. You probably would have done it anyway.

I can never, ever know whether you would have done it anyway. I never made the effort. I can’t even say I had a chance to stop it, because I don’t know if I could have. All I do know is that I never made that chance. I never had a chance to save Brett’s life. I never had a chance to save Phile. I might have had a chance to save yours.

It is the missed chance that still keeps me up at night sometimes. It’s been a year. The grief passes; even wounds of the soul eventually heal. It’s that shadow of a sliver of a chance that I can’t get over. If I’d taken the shot and missed, it might be different, but the clock ran out before I got a chance to. I can’t forgive myself for that. You called me. You needed me. I put it off. Two weeks later, you were dead.

It is those two weeks that will haunt me for the rest of my life. It is those two weeks in which I might have had a chance to save you. It is those two weeks that I’ll never get back.

I know I’m not responsible. I know it’s not my fault. I’ll never know if maybe I could have saved your life.

Not Waving But Drowning

Stevie Smith

Nobody heard him, the dead man,

But still he lay moaning:

I was much further out than you thought

And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking

And now he's dead

It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,

They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always

(Still the dead one lay moaning)

I was much too far out all my life

And not waving but drowning.

MLK-I have a Dream speech translated into LOLcat

My friend Stacy posted today that she wanted someone to translate Martin Luther King's I Have A Dream speech into LOLcat.

So I did.

:D

Note: Martin Luther King is one of my heroes. This is meant for humor and as a homage to one of the greatest men of the twentieth century. Thank you for making my country a better place, Reverend King.

Meow Luther Kitty- I haz dream

I iz happeh to cuddlz u todeh in waz gun be da bestest day for cheezburgrs in the histeree of ar littrbx.

Vry lng ago, a grt persun who lvd cuddlz and gvng kitteh treats rote a papr. Ths big papr set the slaves fre so they cud give kittehs mor lovins. Now they cud run thru the medows and ctch all the mices.

But now theyz still can’t chz all the mices. They haz to chz only mices in der own islandz of mices. They no haz all da chzburgrs. We cuddlz here today to claw wht peoplz legz so dey letz us chz mices wherevrz.

We comz to the capetlz to make them clnz ar littrbxs. Da first peoplz promizd al kittehs they wud haz cln litterbxs. Al kittehs, tabeez and caluhcoez and evn siemeze kittehz iz garunteedz to haz cln literbxs.

Why sum kittehs no haz cln litterbxs? We clawz ur legz til you givez us cln litterbxs for all kittehs and letz us all ply and cuddl and chz mices together. We haz no time to wate. Now iz time to let all kittehs be equel and stuffz.

You no ovrlk our clwng of ur legz. We no stop until we getz frdm. We wntz our litterbxs opn to all kittehz. We clawz you in sleep untilz all us kittehs are equel citishuns. We meow so we can haz justush.

But iz sumthng I must tellz my kittehs dat lie on warm windoesil ledng to scrtchng pst of justush. We haz to stl uz the littrbxs not go pee on peoplz beds. We mushent scrtch all furnushur to shrdz.

We haz be good kittehs. We haz give lovens and cuddlz to allz our peoplz. They r ourz peoplz and kittehs and peoplz haz cuddlz and stuffz wif ech othrz.

We iz no happeh so long az tabeez and caluhcoez and evn siemeze kittehs haz difrnt littrbxs an no can chz mices together. We iz no happeh if we can no slp on all the furnishure togethrz. We iz no happeh if we no drnk frum watr bowlz or haz chzburgerz. No, we iz no happeh until justush is servd and we all haz chzburger.

I knowz you come here thru lotz bad thingz. Sum cme frum animel sheltuhs. Some escapz from bad dogz dat chz us dwn streetz. Haz faith u wil getz chzbrgrs.

Go back to Misesipi, Aluhbamuh, Souf Caruhlinuh, Jorjuh, Louesheyana, ur brnz and ur sheltehs, noweng dat sumhow the situashun will be betteh.

I purr 2 u todeh, my kittehs, I haz dream. I haz dream dat iz Amerakin dream.

I haz dream dat sumtyme our nashun getz up, strtchez, and livz tru meaning of itz cred: “We haz truthz dat we know gud: dat all peoplz and kittehz iz med equel.

I haz dream dat wun day on red carputz of Jorjuh teh kittehs uf peoplz and tabbehz and caluhcoez will cuddlz az wun.

I haz dream dat my littr uf kittehz wil livz in nashun wher they iz no judgd bye colur of der fur but by how gud they givz lovenz.

I haz dream todeh.

I haz dream that even in Alahbamuh tabbehz and caluhcoez and siameze kittehs can haz chzburgrz together.

I haz dream todeh.

I haz dream that al littrbxs wil be cln, all dogz wil be fenshed and leshud, and we will all haz fishez an chzburgrz.

Dis iz ar hope. Dis iz fayf dat I go back to da souf withz. With fayf we can scrtch da couchz of dispare a scrtchng post uf hope. With fayf we can cuddlz az wun, meow az wun, cuz we be free wun day.

If we can haz gud nashun dis must cm tru. Let fredum ring frum teh kitteh sheltehz. Let fredum ring frum the sunnee spotz by the windoez. Let fredum ring frum the scrtchng postz.

Wen dis happnz, wen fredum ringz frum al da kittehs, we can haz al ceiling kat’s kittehs, tabbehz and caluhcoez and siameze kittehs, haz chzburgrz togethuh and meow in the wurds of teh ol tabbeh spirishul, “yay celing cat, we iz fre at last!”